My Side of the Woods

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 19:08:25 GMT

Had a weird dream last night. I was driving down the highway, and we passed each other on the way. Things slowed down, and I could see her waving goodbye to me. Then time sped up again, and we headed in opposite directions. Then I looked down in the floorboard of my car, and saw a bunch of rocks. Big rocks. I started throwing them out my window.
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Aside from my dream about being a litterbug, things are moving. The paperwork has been turned in and that's all done. Now I'm waiting for my recruiter to tell me when it's time for me to go to MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) at Raleigh. Usually people in my area go to Charlotte, but because I have to go in front of an OCS Selection board I have to go to where they are.

The consensus is that I stand a really good shot at getting a billet at OCS. I'll believe it when I see it. At any rate, I think I should know my fate by the end of this month.
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Changing my workout routine. Going until muscle failure every other day on pushups just doesn't seem to be bringing the desired results. I'm switching to doing a sub-optimal set of pushups and situps every hour. We'll see.

Time Marches On

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 01:16:26 GMT

And as it does, it gets closer to my cut-off date and marches inexorably closer to the conclusion that I will be in the military soon without a real job offer. The thought doesn't bother me, I guess that's a hallmark of my personality, but the thought has brought a much tougher exercise regime.

I bought "The Ultimate Basic Training Guidebook" by Sergeant Michael Volkin, which has a better training program detailed inside of it than I have been on. I've only been on this plan for two days, but I can already tell a difference in my muscles. The tips on running more efficiently haven't really panned out yet, but I'm willing to give them time. I also stopped drinking caffeine completely, which has resulted in a short term weight gain of about three pounds because my metabolism slowed down some without the caffeine's effects in my system. That's fine, I'm sure I'll lose it before I go to the recruiting station. Besides, running and exercising in the morning like this is forcing my body to burn fat instead of the calories in my stomach.

I haven't really been studying the ASVAB prep book like I'm supposed to. I can't let myself get into the mindset that "It's okay, there's always tomorrow..", because inevitably tomorrow turns into the day before where thou art verily boned. The only thing that I *really* need to study is the electronics portion of it, which is no where near what you think it is... It's all about knowing how to assemble circuits and such, not computer or operating system knowledge.

A short list of the MOS's (Military Occupational Specialties) that I'm shooting for runs something like this (in no particular order): Field Artillery Meteorological Crew-member (13W), Field Artillery Surveyor (13S), Imagery Analyst (35G), Geospatial Engineer (21Y), Common Ground Station (CGS) Analyst (35H), and Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear (CBRN) Specialist (74D).

Of course, what will happen is that I'll take the ASVAB at MEPS, and then they'll show me a list of jobs that I qualify for. If one of those jobs is on the list, great! Otherwise.. I'm boned. Thus, I need to study some more!
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All right, time to hit the hay. I've got to be at work tomorrow morning!

So, yeah.

Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:42:32 GMT

Here I am! Let me sum up the past six months: It was nuts, I graduated, now I'm looking for a job. No bites yet. And if I don't have a job by the beginning of September, I'm going to enlist in the Army.

Either way, my long term plans remain unchanged. My priority for cash is to build up three months of savings and then pay off the credit cards. Then the private loan from GTCC, and then my Federal Loans. Once all of that is out of the way, long term savings. In the next six years, I want to get some real world experience and do some independent research on aspects of Geography, so I'll have an idea of what I would like to tackle as a Thesis for a Master's degree. Ultimately, I'd like to be a Hydrologist, which pulls down north of 120k a year, but that's in the future.

If I get a job, great. That will mean more personal freedom and spare time to go about researching and talking to Professors about stuff, but it will also mean my budget will be tighter and it will take longer to pay off my debts. If I go into the Army, it's almost the exact opposite. My debts will get paid off somewhere in the neighborhood of within three years, but for the first six months or so my free time will be extremely limited, and when I do have free time my access to resources will be extremely limited. However, when I eventually get stationed somewhere and get into my "day job" routine, my free time should shoot up and I'll have access to more resources at that time. And, if I go into the military, I should be able to get them to assist me with getting a Master's degree and I might be able to swing my way into being an Officer. The downside is that I'll just be removed from what I consider my calling, Physical Geography, for a while. Not forever, but enough to cause me to pause.
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Personally? I've been a little "blegh" recently. It's the thought process that I'm, superficially, in the same position I was six years ago, with no external sign of progress. I'm still at my Dad's place in a spare bedroom (though I lived out on my own for four and a half years of it), I still work at Wilco part-time (though, everyone knows the score now and NO ONE talks to me like it's all I'm capable of doing), and I'm still waiting for better things to come my way (though in this case it's not about waiting for college, it's waiting for a career change).

It comes and it goes. I'm largely over my relationship with Rachel, but I'm still not out there dating. It seems like a front, to me. I know what I want, a long term relationship. It's just not who I am to go out and date for "fun". *shrug* I'm not going to turn down an opportunity, but I'm not actively looking, either. The other part of that is that I don't know where I'm going to be in three months, so how can I get into a relationship?

That's the other thing bothering me: Not knowing. I like to plan. I like to devise strategies. I like to look ahead. I have no clue what to plan for at this point, which feels to me a little like walking through deep cover woods with no compass. I'm going somewhere... but I don't know where and I don't know when or even if I'll get to where I want to go. It sucks!
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That's enough bitching. I'm not the most unfortunate person in the world. In the mean time, while I'm waiting, I do get time to play games and read books. That's a pleasant bonus. I'm also planning on making a camping trip next week to South Mountain. Solo. I want to actually camp, not run into town every three hours the way Scott camps. Still trying to decide if I want to make it a one day or two day trip.

Whoa. Been a while. Redux.

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 21:20:58 GMT

So, it's been a while since I last posted. Not because of an abundance of activities, mind you. I've been following a basic rule of writing.. That when things get boring, you skip ahead in time, and you write more detail for when things are interesting or exciting. My winter break was most definitely NOT exciting, but it was refreshing. I was able to relax quite a bit, which helped my mood a lot.

I'm currently writing this from my Statistics class at UNCG. It's my last class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and there's about 120 people in the class so I'm not really worried about getting singled out too much. I've actually already done the research for this chapter, so I know what she is going to lecture about, so I'm not really worried about missing something either. The only problem is that occasionally my thumb hits the mousepad and moves the cursor, so I start typing in the third sentence or something similar.

At any rate.. I'm very happy to be back in school. while I did get to relax, it was very boring after a while, and I didn't have much on my mind or to write about for you guys. Nothing really important happened either. Just work, and video games. :)
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My classes this semester are as follows:
Mondays and Wednesdays: Geo-511 (Advanced Weather and Climate)
Tuesdays and Thursdays:
Geo-491: Current Topics in Regional Geography
Env-100: Introduction to Environmental Science
Geo-305: Environmental Hazards Assessment
Sta-108: Introduction to Statistics

I like the three Environmental classes, of course, but not so much the Regional or Statistics.

Obviously, not the statistics.
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I've slowly been getting myself ready for the eventual move that has to happen. I don't know how far or where I'll have to move to for my first job, but I know I will. I'm running my plans around only being able to take a single car-load with me for a while until I get time and money to come back for other things.

So, I've been typing up my books one by one so I'll have more library to choose from, and scanning in my manga. I've also been backing up my DVD's to AVI format and I'm getting a 1TB external drive to save them onto so I can have all my movies (I'd do all this anyway, because having things in the electronic format is more organized and takes up a hell of a lot less space)

Consider this: To have 1000 dvd's, you'd have to have first a good sense of organization that you can quickly change as new movies are added so that you can find them. You'd also have to have storage space for all of them. If you keep them in their cases and each case is about a half an inch in depth, then you'd need about 42 linear feet of storage space. If you buy bookcases that are three feet wide and have five shelves, you'd have two full book cases of shelves and working on the last shelf of a third one. That's a lot of space.

Even in folders, imagine having to move 700 dvd's because you added one DVD to the collection and it needs to be organized? You'd have to have a 100 dvd case for each letter of the alphabet. If those are four inches wide, that's a mere 8'4" in linear storage space for your collection...but then there is weight.

50 dvd's weighs less than 1 kg.. Call it .95kg. So, a thousand DVD's in and of themselves would weigh 19 kg, or about 41 lbs. In Three bookcases? An extra 180lbs. 26 folders? About another 7lbs.

Then cost. Ignoring the movies themselves, three book cases would cost about $120. 26 folders would cost about $260!

OR! You get a 1TB storage drive that is 6 inches by four inches by one inch, weighs about four pounds, can hold more than a thousand movies, costs $110, and can be organized by alphabet by just clicking a button.

'Nuff said. And don't get me started on books!
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There I go. Ranting about logistics and environmental stuff again.

I didn't quite get straight A's..

Thu, 18 Dec 2008 03:14:07 GMT

Instead, I got three A's and an A+. Damn. I was really hoping I would fare better than that.

Geo-510; Biogeography: A
Geo-533; Economic Geography: A
Geo-641; Advanced Geomorphology and Fluvial Hydrology: A
Spa-204; Intermediate Spanish II: A+
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Tomorrow I get to have a day of 'down time' at the house. Probably the first one in about three weeks or so. I've been working my butt off trying to get all my projects done on time and getting studying time in for my finals. On top of working. I'm just glad to see this semester wrap up!

Sorry, Jill. I tried to relax a little, but it didn't quite work out that way.
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So, at any rate, a quick look at my GPA to now puts me at 3.17. I was just a *little* south of a 3.0 at the start of this semester, so I suppose the big up kick from getting these A's from Grad classes has really helped out that. That makes me feel pretty *damn* good about my chances of being able to pursue a Master's degree later on in life, since I'll have a strong GPA to point to from UNCG. Especially if I can at least *maintain* this GPA next semester, though I think I'd have to severely fuck something up to screw it up at this point.
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Okay, I'm going to bed.

On Hamlet

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 01:16:28 GMT

On my passage through the township of Hamlet today on my way to Nonnie's house, I witnessed a town that was collapsing in on itself. Everywhere I looked there were tangible signs of decay and ruin. The entire town, it seems, is gently sliding into oblivion much as its literary namesake did. Entire shopping centers are shut down and deserted, with grasses slowly reclaiming even the concrete and sidewalk. Broken glass litters the streets from where the homeless have broken into abandoned buildings, and their owners are long past the point of caring. Even the homes show the signs of neglect, with chipped and fading paint, unkempt yards, and automobiles slowly oxidizing in the Southern Sunshine.

This place was probably once booming, being the only passage to Myrtle Beach in South Carolina, a popular attraction for college students. However, since the inception of the bypass, this place is slowly and surely returning to the dust.
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However! It's nice to be at Nonnie's house. I took an Oral Exam today in spanish and received a 97, which is fantastic! I'm glad that I did well, because I like to pile on as many good grades as possible to offset any bad grade I might get.

Next week everything comes to a head. There is one class where I have absolutely NO idea what grade I have, because I haven't received any. That would be Economical Geography. I take the final next Tuesday, and I need to work on its accompanying study guide. I'm confident that I'll pass, but still: I'd like to know exactly what grade I can look forward to.

All the rest of my classes are going just fine. I just want this semester done and over with so that I can enjoy my winter break!

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 04:23:05 GMT

Well my last post was about my feeling how things had to get better after getting over a cold and then the flu. I was wrong, of course, since I threw out my back immediately afterword and couldn't take time of for any of it.

Ugh.
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Well, I'm here at Dad's. My room is a little messy, but I can fix that. I forgot to take my cold weather gear to work (Yeah, I know, being winter I should have thought of it), and I can fix that. Forgot my work set of keys, I can fix that too. Need groceries, so I'll get that tomorrow on my way home from work.

Basically, all of my problems now are small and fixable. I don't have a TON of stuff to do in a short time, and I can get it done. I think that from *now* on it should be okay.
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Thankfully, I get a lot of next week off from school and work. Tuesday day to about Wednesday night I'm going to Nonnie's house for early T-Day stuff. Thursday I have to work and I need to visit with the other half of my relatives as well, so it's going to be an interesting time overall.

Monday I have completely off from everything, though, for the first time in probably about four months. I intend to use it accordingly!

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 03:07:09 GMT

I think things are going to be okay from now on.

That is all.

Halloween and news

Mon, 03 Nov 2008 01:21:57 GMT

Well, I spent Halloween out with friends, which was a nice change of pace. It was good to get out of the house for a while, but I stayed out waaaaaaaay too late and ended up getting home at about 4:30 AM. That was pretty damn lame, since I had to be at work at 9! I only got about 3 hours of sleep that night/morning, but I made up for it last night by getting 13 hours of sleep, which was fantastic!
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Shipped my HP laptop off last week, and they tried to send back my replacement by Friday, but I was working that day so I didn't get it. Now it is at some nameless storage facility in High Point until they try to deliver it again, which would be Monday when (SURPRISE!) I won't be there as well, again for work. Basically, FedEx is going to have my laptop until Wednesday when I'll finally be home during the day to sign for it. Just in the odd chance that it might work, I'll put signs on the front and back door with my signature asking the FedEx guy to just put it in the truck and accept my signature on the paper for it, but I'm not expecting that to work.
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End of the semester approaching. Good and bad news there, almost to winter break, yeah, but also tons of work coming down the pipeline. No complaints, though, I'm extremely close to graduating now.

Next Semester

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 19:51:56 GMT

Yes, now is the time of year when a young man's thoughts turn to.. the sheer amount of work he'll have to get done next semester to graduate.

I've learned from this semester to try to pack in as much as possible into a few days at school to maximize my free time. This semester, I do have six hours on Tuesday and Thursday.. But it is in between classes and isn't really ideal for getting anything done. Luckily, my BIG laptop should be fixed by then, so I won't necessarily have to get onto campus to do anything computer intensive like I do now.

So, I'm trying to pack everything I can into the days that I HAVE to be there because of classes that I MUST take in order to graduate. The first being Geo-305, which is Environmental Hazards Assessment, which I need to top off one requirement. Basically, everything else is focused around this class. So far, it is looking like my Tuesdays and Thursdays will start with a class at 8 in the morning, with 15 minutes between each class for five classes straight, and then I get to go home at 3:15 in the afternoon.

That might not sound like much fun, but believe me, this will be a MUCH better schedule than this semester. I'm on campus 3 days a week now, one day just for one class, and two days witha HUGE gap in between two classes. In fact, on Thursday I just have two classes, and I have to wait that entire six hours just to finish my day. BORING. And this semester is a big "see-saw". I have Sunday night until Monday night free, and then I have to go to class and get back home at about 10 to go to bed. Then I get up at 5AM to get to school on time, and again I don't get home until 10 Tuesday night, and then I finally get to relax. It's a wierd schedule.

This way, I'll have ALL of Monday, Wednesday, and Friday completely open to either work, do homework, or relax. AND I'll have Tuesday and Thursday Nights and most of the Afternoon open as well. AND no having to get home late for one class to get up early for the next class. That's huge! If I get one Tuesday or Thursday off, it's also an instant 3 day weekend for me as well, which is also nice.

All right, I should go. I have an exercise to finish for 641 which is due.. tonight. So I'd better dedicate myself to getting that done.

Thu, 23 Oct 2008 17:58:41 GMT

I want to take a second to talk about Conservation. My personal philosophy is that conservation isn't limited to just Natural Resources, or Pretty Things We All Want To See (PTWAWTS). PTWAWTS are fantastic, but they aren't everything. I think everything that people use should be used as sparingly as possible. Try to use the bare minimum.. And think of ways to use less than that.

Here's a prime example that a lot of people don't even give a second thought to.. Toilet Paper. Toilet Paper is one of those things that is ubiquitous and cheap, so why conserve it? I think it's necessary to conserve TP first of all because it comes from trees, and I happen to think more trees are better. The second reason is because it is a resource that is only available in such numbers in a modernized society.. In times of emergency, it is these "Quality of Life" things that tend to drop off first in favor of the "Necessities of Life". Using less TP all the time may just mean that the TP you have will last you through such a crisis. And, to be blunt, most people use TP quite wastefully.

I buy Charmin, plain, two-ply toilet paper. It's not the cheapest, maybe lower middle tier, but at least I can't see the wood grains on the TP. When I'm the only one using my bathroom, a single roll usually last me for about a month, more or less. I think I use on average about six sheets per trip to the bathroom. Now, I'm not a girl, so I use TP about half as much, but still..

Think of it this way: Yesterday, I put a full roll, unused, in the bathroom for company that was coming over. Basically, a family of four. They all used my bathroom, and I didn't. When they left this morning, the roll was already empty (bare tube), and one of the spares I put out was started on.

Let me re-iterate: This was in the span of 12 hours. One roll of TP. Are you serious? I would have thought three days with a family of four with two girls, but half a day?

Scott has told me he generally uses about fifty or sixty sheets a trip to the bathroom. How is that even possible? People, please. CONSERVE TP! CONSERVE EVERYTHING!

At any rate.. Time to head to my one class for the week. Biogeography. I don't necessarily HAVE to go, but I'd feel like a loser if I missed the only class that meets this week. :)

Ahh... Damnit.

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 14:31:12 GMT

I'm at UNCG right now in the Superlab, having just finished a book review on Thor Heyerdahl's theory of the Migration of Incan precursor civilizations to the small, Polynesian Islands of the South Pacific, and I just discovered something that annoys me greatly.

My headphones are dead. I know, that is a little bit of a jump from "The Voyage of the Kon-Tiki", but it is tied to it in that I wanted to listen to my MP3 player while writing this book review no matter how much it impaired my ability to multi-task. There is only sound coming out of one side of the headphones, though (double checked by quickly checking my hearing.. I am not deaf in my left ear, despite what my family would crack jokes about my "Selective Hearing".) So, now I am out a fairly nice seat of headphones.

I'm going to pop into the school store and see if anything looks suitable, because I really wanted to sit down and play Final Fantasy VI until about 2:45 this afternoon, taking breaks for the bathroom and lunch only, since I haven't gotten to play a video game in a while and with this book review I am finally up to date on my schoolwork. Hard to do with annoying Mono Sound though.

Grr.

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 19:49:53 GMT

I think that anyone can attest to the fact that crawling out of a depression isn't easy. First, just waiting at the bottom of the damn hill, in the dark, waiting for the light to creep back in sucks the energy right out of your soul. Second, the hill is the pile up of all the things that you have been neglecting, both in terms of the things that interest you and you haven't given attention to, your family, and your responsibilities. Sometimes, just being able to see the damn hill is enough to send you back into a depression, when you realize just how much of a climb it is.

The last thing that makes a depression hard is that, just sometimes, you get so wrapped up in it that you can't see that everyone you know is at the bottom of the damn hill with you. My depression has affected everyone in that I haven't been there for them, but they have been there for me. I'm not sure what else I can say about that, but "Thank You".

So, if you are following along with the metaphor, while I've been climbing this hill I've been able to notice some of the things that compose my personality for the first time in a while. Like my obsession with all things survival, my penchant for wanting things to be structured and task oriented, and my love of the outdoors. And, also, my willingness to post my thoughts online where my friends can read them.

Right now, they are all interfering with another thing that I have "rediscovered" while climbing.. Homework. I have this pile up of Spanish HW that I need to do in order to turn it in tomorrow, but I'm just not motivated to do it because it is so beautiful outside, and I just want to be out in it. So, I think I will do this.. I'm going to prioritize.

1. I don't have many days off where it is this pretty, so I should enjoy it while I can.
2. I'll have plenty of time after the sun sets in three hours to do homework.
3. I can get to the top of this pile. I can.

So, I'm going outside. :)

More on Drying Clothes

Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:12:48 GMT

I finally picked up one of my drying racks from Rachel's place in Greensboro so I could start drying my clothes inside. I can proudly say that in the past seven months I have not used the clothes dryer a single time.. However, as my days off to monitor clothing on the line are rather few in number, the odds of the clothes piling up and waiting for a good day to dry them increases.

I had such a pile today, consisting of half of my linens, most of my towels, and about 80% of my clothes. I had one load drying on my drying rack in my room (It's dry now and waiting to be put up.. Two pairs of pants, six underwear, six shirts, six pairs of socks), but there was still quite a backlog. I know that I would have eventually caught up with the drying rack because the rate I can wash and dry clothes exceeds my capacity to generate dirty ones, but still I was happy to find that today, one of my few morning/afternoon's off is a really pretty day.

So, I have the rest of my clothes drying outside. After this, even if I don't have pretty days on my days off, I know that I can at least get my regular clothing dried inside. I'm going to have to figure out a way to dry my linens inside.. Towels are easy, but the sheets and my bedspread are a specific problem. I may have to make those wait for days that are nice and put them outside before I leave for class. The bedspread in particular will be hard, because the damn thing is so thick it will take a while to dry out, even in direct sunlight.

At any rate, I have some class work that I need to get done before five today, so I'd better get cracking on that.

Well, shit.

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 19:48:16 GMT

This was a particularly dull weekend with my just working for 90% of the time. Really not much to report there. I do feel physically and emotionally much better than last week though, so maybe things are starting to look up!

I was supposed to have a date for lunch today with this girl named Michele, but she stood me up. This is the first time that I've ever been stood up on a date. Weird. I'm still not sure why people do this.. Is this supposed to be an easier way of turning people down on their end? Why? At any rate, I know that won't happen so I'll just keep looking.

I finally broke down and got a parking sticker Friday just so that I'd be spending less time commuting. I walk something like three hours a week, and I drive something like 12 hours a week, and the walking is just covering the mile or so from Rach's place to UNCG. I've decided that I've had enough of that mess, so from now on my commute is a little bit shorter. It'll be nice to not have to rush out of the house at 6:30AM.

All right, I've got some homework to do, so I might as well buckle down and get that done.

Feeling Better

Tue, 30 Sep 2008 13:43:51 GMT

Yesterday, after a lot of thought about what I needed to do for myself, and for my own good, I went to Rachel's place before my night class for Monday (Geo-641). I told her that, as much as I loved her and still love her, it's just not fair, for either of us, for me to sit there and wait for her until my feelings go away. And the only reason I feel like I have to wait for her is that I simply haven't told her that I wouldn't wait anymore. So, I told her last night that I wouldn't wait anymore for her, that I'm going to let her go. I know I still love her, but I also know now that it doesn't mean I have to put the things that are me and my life on hold until enough time has passed for me to know she won't come back either.

I feel so much better now than I did on Sunday. So much better. It's amazing, it's like this shadow that's been looming over me has just gone away. I'm still a little sad about Wolf's death, but that's easier for me to deal with now that it is not synergizing with this stuff with Rachel. I came out of my shell after that conversation, I talked with people on campus (which I haven't done since the semester started), and had a really good time in my class! I slept better last night than I have in a couple of months, even though it was only like six hours of sleep, and I woke up *before* my alarm clock and felt refreshed.

I do feel a little bad that I probably brought Rachel's mood down with this, but I think I did what was right for me, and right for her as well. I think we both needed closure on my side of things.

So. Things are easier now. That's good. I was getting sick of things being so hard all the time. Maybe now I can live my life a little bit.
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Today we started watching "The Motorcycle Diaries" in Spanish-204. It's a really interesting movie. I'm looking foward to seeing how the rest of it turns out on Thursday. It's been pretty funny to watch so far, and seeing these two guys tramping around and trying to busk for meals and such reminds me of Arocoun (except for the whole speaking Spanish thing).

Today, during my humoungous six hour break between Spanish and Biogeography, I need to do some work on a Project for my Economical Geography class. I'm hoping to get it done by eleven, so I'd better get started soon. But, anyway, it is not like it is going to be all that hard... I just need to use the library's search resources to find a couple or three good resources for my project to base my hypothesis off of.
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Thank you, Arocoun. Thank you, Jill. I wrote that last post because I sat down and made myself get it off my chest, and I think that and both of your responses was the catalyst for my making a decision to help myself feel better. I don't think I could have done it without your support. I guess that teaches me that I should learn to ask for help when I need it. I'm still working on that. But, until then, I appreciate you guys, very much.

Thoughts on my Day off.

Sun, 28 Sep 2008 04:28:19 GMT

Today was kind of an impromptu day off. I was supposed to be out on a field excursion with my Geo-641 class, but the teacher e-mailed a few days ago and canceled because of some family issues. I had already set up a double shift at work so that I could spend the day in class instead of my routine Saturday shift, so today basically became wide open for me to just sit around, do some things, and mostly, think.

Wolf was my dog. I can't really express that in any other way. He was mine. And, in just the same way, I was his master. I can't help but feel, in some ways, that I was a lousy master, a lousy friend there at the end. He died because he was run over by my Dad accidently because Wolf was trying to climb under Dad's car to get to where-ever I was. I haven't been wanting to admit that to myself, but there it is. The truth is that I've been keeping myself so busy, busier than what is actually necessary, in order to avoid having to deal with the emotional fallout from the breakup with Rachel, which is a different matter altogether. I just wasn't around the house to be with him, to play with him and basically just to be there. I keep thinking that, maybe, If I had tried to to climb under my dad's car to get to where ever I was. I knew he was actively trying to be around me more...trying to climb into my car whenever I had to leave, trying to get in the house, sleeping under my window...I just wasn't being a good master for him. So I've decided that, other than helping with Lucy (Rach's dog, who I helped raise and I trained), I'm not getting another dog until I calm myself back down into who I am supposed to be, and have a predictable schedule where I can spend time with it. I should know better, I spent a lot of my life sitting around alone in a house waiting for someone to get home, and heaven help me I made my dog do the same thing.

Speaking of being alone in a house, it's just being here in this awful quiet that made me think of Wolf. Dad has gone to Nonnie's place for the weekend with Zeus, so there is no one here and I'm completely and utterly alone. Aside from a few short conversations with Scott and Rachel, and going to the local Bojangles, I haven't heard another person's voice. It kind of takes me back to my childhood, where I was basically alone because my brother would spend his time alone in his room and my dad didn't get home until very late at night because that's what he is: A workaholic. I find myself wondering if this is how my life will always be.. Spending time alone just doing chores and killing my time between doing what's necessary for survival. I didn't think it would be like this, when I was with Rachel, but here it is again. Maybe that's part of why I was so desperate to make that relationship work, because I was afraid of feeling...pointless again.

I suppose it's a mistake for me to find personal meaning in trying to make someone else happy, but it's all I know, really. I've basically learned that I can't ask for help, not really, because there's none for me to have. I know, on an intellectual level, that is not true, but that knowledge doesn't fix that. So, I give people that are close to me everything I can in order to make them happy and keep them close, but I don't let anyone close to me or let them help me, which pushes them away because I think that when the time comes for me to need help from them, I won't get it and I'll be dissapointed. I know that. I can't remember the last time I asked someone if I could talk to them about something that was bothering me, or even the last time that I asked for just a hug to help me get through. God knows that I could really use both right now. But when I'm around people, I just put a pissed off look on my face and make people stay away so that they don't ask the questions that I'm desperate to answer. It's fucked up, and it's screwy, I know. And I should probably go talk to the school therapist or something, but I can't make my problems other people's business. I don't even know how.

Another thing that's been on my mind is the knowledge that I still love Rachel, but there are just too many complicating factors. For starters, she doesn't love me and is too fascinated with the shadow of another guy to actually care about my feelings. No, I know she cares in a tangental sort of way, but not in the way someone's wife or even ex-girlfriend should. It's like I'm just some guy to her, now. Another thing is that I compromised on some of my basic personality traits just to be with her. It made her feel inadequate when I would keep the house spotless like when we first started dating, so I let that slide in order to make her feel superior. She hated guns, so I put my guns away in a locked storage chest, in pieces, in the closet so that she wouldn't see it. She hated the military, so I wouldn't bring up my past with the NJROTC, or my prior plans to enlist, or my family's association with the military. And she disliked anything southern, so I didn't use my southern turns of phrase as often, and didn't argue when she didn't want to be around my family. I thought of these as concessions to having the woman I wanted. They are really tripwires for a bad relationship, and just one really should have sent me on my way. Getting back on track, I still love her and can't convince myself to stop waiting around for her. It seems like I spend my life waiting for the women in my life to turn around from walking away from me to realize that I'm still there, waiting patiently, for them. That's my track record, you see. The girl I dated in high school, Melissa, broke up with me after we graduated so that she could have fun during the summer without feeling guilty, and I waited on her for a year and a half before I moved on. I doted on Kcat for four years, nursing a crush that I knew nothing could ever come of. And now, I've spent about a year or more on Rachel in differing phases of non-commital relationship just because I thought that maybe, just maybe this time it will work. But how could it work, being built on such an formless foundation? I'm sick of it, just sick of it.

I wish, no, I hope that I'll meet someone that just likes me for me, and has the same damn problem that I do.. That they just want to feel connected to someone by being there for them even if that person isn't there for them. I think that if I could get that, and feel for them in return, it would work.

Recently I've been thinking about serving in the military again. I figure, "Hell, I'm single, and I can be an officer, so why not?". I think that in some ways this may be an escape plan of mine for when I just can't see the life I am living going anywhere pleasant. It represents a chance to, basically, start anew. Build a life that is lightyears from the one I have now, that I can mold in the shape I want it to be. I can't help thinking that maybe that's an unhealthy reason to go into the military, but it's one of my main ones and always has been. I also think that I won't know how I measure up to my Dad, Grandfathers, and Great-Grandfathers until I have been in the military. To see what I have. I think on some level the thought scares me that I could be better than them, and I am expected to be. I already feel some trepidation at getting a Bachelors degree, which is the highest level of education anyone in my family's history has ever gotten. That is a LOT of expectation on my shouders. I feel like if I combine that degree with being an Officer in the military (just being an officer means that I'll effectively outrank anyone in my family's history as well) should be enough to prove to myself that I stand on the same ground that they did. I mean, they worked their entire lives to provide their children with just a little more opportunity than they had.. Wouldn't I be dissapointing them if I didn't surpass my father? The other thing is that, on some level, I feel like it is just my fate to be in the military, because I keep coming back to this. I can't run from this forever.

At the same time, though, I feel like enlisting in the military and trying for OCS may be me running away from my current problems so that I don't have to deal with them. I fear that if I do enlist and that is why I am doing so, I won't be happy even there because my own insecurities are inescapable. I think the only way I can get through this, to find out where my thoughts truely lie, is to just not wait on Rachel anymore. But it's so much harder for me to not want to be with her than I ever thought possible. It doesn't matter how many practice runs of conversation with her I have in my head, I just can't bring myself to tell her that she has burnt the bridge between us with this last breakup. I am hesitant to do so because what it really means is that, while she may have burnt her side, telling that will be my blowing up my side of the bridge so that I'll never be able to cross it again.

I got over Kcat by not talking to her for several years, until I simply fell out of the habit of thinking about her all the time. I feel guilty about that, because I don't think it was fair to either of us. Maybe she did or didn't deserve to know why I didn't want to talk to her, but at the very least I wasn't being much of a friend, or even acting like a man. With Rachel, I'm forced to either slowly wait for my feelings to go away so that I won't hurt so much, or just have the conversation with her that I really, really, really don't want to have.

There. I do feel better now. Maybe now I can sleep without having nightmares about all of this stuff.

A short gloat

Sat, 13 Sep 2008 04:15:14 GMT

I think that it is worth noting, just before I go to bed, that it is indeed possible to get better gas mileage than a Prius. Take, for example, MY CAR.

2009 Toyota Prius EPA HIGHWAY ESTIMATE: 48mpg
1995 Honda Civic ACTUAL TANK: 48.5mpg

Don't believe me? Do the math: I drove 237.2 miles on 4.892 gallons of gas.

Want to know what's worse? I think I can do better. On this tank, I've done more than 60 (my most fuel efficient speed on the highway) for about 40 miles or so, past people on single lane highway doing about 80 twice, and run my AC a little. Doesn't sound like much, does it? But if I used even only a tenth of a gallon more than necessary, my gas milage goes up by 1mpg, and I think it's closer to a quarter of a gallon extra that I used for all of this. So, we'll see. I think I can get above 50mpg!

Well, Shit

Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:12:57 GMT

It always seems like bad things and events always come in groups of three, right?

1. Rach and I break up. You can argue with me over whether or not this is a good or bad thing for me, like most relationships you can't have one side of the coin without the other. I consider it a bad thing now that could be good later on.

2. My laptop "dies". I mean, it's not competely and utterly dead, but it has lost most of its functionality as a laptop in that I can not take it to school and depend on it to actually turn on. Which completely sucks because otherwise it is a great laptop that I've gotten a lot of use out of. So, in order to just have a laptop at school, I had to go get another laptop real quick, which turned out to be an Asus Eee 900. I like it, except for the minor inconvience of having it decide that I should jump to whereever the mouse currently is hovering whenever I brush past the mouse pad, but I think I have that whipped now.

3. Wolf died two days ago. There's a good reason why I haven't talked about it, I wasn't ready to. I don't think I really need to explain anymore.

I will say this, though. I could deal with the first two. I miss my dog.
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Okay, so enough bitching, life is tough yada yada. The real reason why I started to update was to talk about my classes. So far, things seem to be going okay and getting better as my schedule levels out. The getting things over to dad's place was kind of a drag on my available time, so getting most of that out of the way has helped a lot. Work has been keeping me extra busy with work for this "Pride Ride" thing, which goes down today while I'm not there. After today, it's just back to the normal routine at work which should be a lot easier for me to handle.

That and Scott won't be on the same shift as me. I like the guy, he's my best friend, but I can't work with him. He talks all the damn time and prevents me from doing my job. And then, if I ask him to give me a hand with one thing he basically starts complaing that he has stuff to do (which he hasn't been doing because he's been pestering me the entire time) and it's my job anyway. Thanks, pal.

Geo-490 so far is my favorite class. It's the graduate level class that I petitioned to get into, and it's been reliably the best out of all of my classes. Spanish, believe it or not, is probably my second favorite class right now simply because I enjoy a position of reasonable authority in it. It's pleasant.

All right, class time. More updateyness when I get around to it again. Luckily, I don't have a ton of work to do this weekend for school, so I can afford to relax a little tomorrow while I'm waiting to go to work!

It's been a fun, full day!

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 04:54:12 GMT

Well, today was my second day off this week, and it was fantastic! I got to lay around the house all day, play video games, be incredibally dull...It was much more fun that it all sounds!

Went to Scott's last night, tried to fix his *new* computer. *New* in that it is new to him, old to me because it has Windows 98 on it, a 10 gig harddrive, and an awe inspiring 256mb of memory. Ugh. I had to deliver unto him the word, and the word is that he needs an actual new computer pronto. This 10 year old, byzantine hunk of junk just isn't going to cut it! I also had the fun of coming up with metaphors to explain why I couldn't just boot up a PC that has a fried motherboard, but that is just a whole different story.

At any rate, I tried to get out of there at around 10 or so, but Scott wanted to talk about his latest bout with indecision about his career choice, or lack there of. Look. I really like the guy, he's my best friend. But he's fucking 28 years old! He needs to sort his fucking life out, pronto, and get into college! I mean, I know it kind of took me a while, but that was only about four years of thought. Scott's pushing through 10! Well, he wanted to talk about why he doesn't want to be an architect, or a computer programmer, and how just looking at finance books makes him happy. See how that took me five seconds to say? It took him two hours. Just that.

Getting to the damn point, it took me until midnight to get out of there, so I slept a little late this morning, but it's all good.
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I washed four loads of clothes today because it was the first nice day in about a week down here. I hung all of them out to try on the clothesline, which indeed does hold four large loads of clothes at the same time. When I first saw it, I thought Dad had over-engineered it as usual, but after having gone through a "Washing" day, I realize that's why he did that...So that he could was 8 loads of laundry during the day and get *all* of it dried outside. I think the thing could actually hold 6 full loads, but by the time the 7th and 8th came through the first two loads would be dry and ready to come off the line.
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On the way back from going to go get my lunch today, I saw a turtle trying desperately to cross the street. I hopped out of the car a little past it and ran back to it so I could move it out of the street and to the other side where it was going before some Bubba T. Flubba in his "got me a damn pickemuptruck" ran over it for fun. (I'm not joking, despite the congeniality of country folk, they are just a tad insane in the head when it comes to animals. Show me one country person that gets upset at the thought of killing something.) Some yokels gave me wierd looks, but I don't care!
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So, McCain picked a woman to be his VP pick. I'm not sure who he's trying to kid, here. If the Republicans were ready for a woman to be in the White House in a decision making capacity, they would have pushed for one to nominate. Methinks this will backfire.
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Okay, got to go make my bed. With dried outside sheets, pillow cases, and blanket. Mmmm.

Tue, 26 Aug 2008 02:45:12 GMT

I was taking 15 credit hours, but after a look at my schedule and how ridiculous it looked (I'm clearly not built for doing so much over a long period of time) I dropped one class so that I would have Wednesday completely free. I'm liking the look of it so far, especially since tomorrow I'll simply not be home all day.

I have one class at 8 tomorrow morning (read: I have to get up at 5:30 and leave at 6:30 to get to it on time), then about five hours of nada. Then There is a biogeography class that meets in the afternoon for about an hour and a half. Wait an hour after that, and then take my second night course (Industrial Practices) which will go on until 8:50 at night. Add the twenty minutes of walking back to my car and then the 45 minute drive home, and you've got me home just after 10 tomorrow night.

Yeah! This is going to be great!

In other news, that five hours won't help me get much done *here* since it's too far to drive just for the fuck of it to spend...three hours after driving twice...just to kill time. So, I'll be looking for stuff to do around Greensboro. It'll practically be my time to go hiking, probably, since there are a number of parks nearby. Maybe I'll go to REI as well. Walking to class today in the rain made me realize that the electronics in my pack aren't nearly as waterproof as I would like them to be, so I'd like to get a Pelican case big enough to hold my DS, Cellphone, MP3 player, and GPS unit (all of which are always in my pack). 20 bucks to make sure 500 bucks of electronics doesn't get zapped in the rain sounds like a good idea to me!

That's about it. I need to go to bed.

Fun Times

Sun, 24 Aug 2008 12:11:27 GMT

I've spent the last couple of days on the road, since I had to work second shift Friday and first shift Saturday (and it's an hour drive from Denton to work), so I stayed Friday night at Scott's place which is a little closer. Luckily, my boss is letting me skew my hours a bit so that I can leave at 10 instead of 11 on Fridays so I get home that hour earlier.

Financial Aid check has already hit my bank account, so I've given Rach half to cover my portion of the rent for the next five months. I feel a little stupid since she wanted to move out of the house and not renew the lease, just find somewhere else to rent a room from someone, and my convincing her to stay there has cost me about 4.5k...but oh well. I guess I'll know better next time.

Finances are good. After giving Rach half, I'll have something like 2.2k plus the 2.5k I'll be making while at work keeps me pretty well supplied and gives me around a 1k cushion at the end of December to float with until aid hits for January. There were a few mistakes, like there's two extra paychecks in there so I'll have some more money than that. (This takes into account big one time stuff like car repairs, insurance for the next six months, text books, and putting some money back on my card to take care of the legal fees coming up.)

I'm going to keep working at Wilco, despite the driving annoyance, until I find some sort of internship that I can parlay into experience for a better job after graduating. I'll do that even if I have to take a pay hit in the process!

I'm expecting a minimum 30k in salary with my Bachelor's degree. With that kind of money while splitting a place, I can afford to go to college on my own pay! No more taking out student loans!
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Tired. Need to get to work. More tonight after I get more from Rach's place.

The Long Awaited

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 00:58:33 GMT

Well, shit. It's been an extremely busy summer, and I'm not sure where to start. I hope none of you feel like I've been ignoring you, because honestly I just saw my family this week after about four months of effort.

I took three classes this summer in minimester format: Spanish 102, 203, and Geo-570. I got an A, B-, and A+ respectively (did you see where the effort went?) It was...rough. I was working part time in the midst of this, and just when I thought I was done...

I got a speeding ticket on my first day of work, on my way there. I thought I was going to be late, and instead of calling ahead I sped. Guess what that did? At any rate, I had to do some community service and attend an 8 hour defensive driving course in order for them to reduce the ticket to less than 15 over the speed limit so I could keep my license (yeah, I'm a badass, I was speeding that much.) That took up more of my time. And then I covered days at work for Scott so that sucker could have time off (gee, thanks).
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All of this effort was for two reasons: One, so that Rach and I could float financially until Fall financial aid arrived, and Two, so that I could graduate at the same time she does so that we could move next year so she could attend Graduate school where ever she was accepted to.

Well, guess what? We broke up. Today. As in, as soon as I got home from Nonnie's place.

So, I guess I don't have to worry about moving away from my family anytime soon. Now that my life is my only my own to plan again, I'm going to take some time and think about what moves are next. In the mean time, I just need to float myself (since I've already paid for everything for Rachel to float and we've both gotten loan checks) until my loan check gets processed by my bank. Shouldn't take more than a day or two, and I'm going to deposit it tomorrow morning since I was in too much of a daze to remember to do it after I packed some of my shit and drove down to Dad's house.

I've also got to find a job closer to Denton, as it's going to take waaaaaaay too much resources to get back and forth to work at a place twenty minutes east of Greensboro, which is a 45 minute drive from here. It'll pay for itself right now...But just. Barely.
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I'm taking 15 credit hours this coming semester, one spanish and four Geography. I'll get the course names and descriptions later, but for right now I'm tired and I want to relax a bit.

V is for Vagina

Sun, 18 May 2008 21:25:46 GMT

Sorry, but that's the title of an album that Rach asked me to rip for her, and I simply couldn't resist the temptation for using it as a title. Apologies in advance if you're unfortunate enough to have that on screen while you're at work or something.

Things are progressing well over here, I've managed to re-organize about 90% of the house so far, including the office, bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen. There was an especially large amount of stuff involved with the bathroom for some reason, so that one took a while longer than the others. My desk is looking a little shabby right now, though, so I think I'll re-organize that in a second after I finish posting here.

Since I last posted, the money problems have largely evaporated. We've gotten a ton more credit to work with, and apparently I've been hired for a reunion tour down at Good ol' Wilco-fucking-hess, so at least as far as cash goes we're fine. Rach is still dealing with a lot of issues internally, but it feels more committed since she asked me to come back. She doesn't have the worries about us that she had before.

I'm a little worried because it's taking a long time to get over what I see as something that should never have been taken seriously in the first place, but then again...I'm not the type of person that largely operates on intuition and gut instinct anyway. That and her mood occasionally brings me down, so when we both are feeling crappy we get in fights about stupid little things. At least we handle that better these days, though. It used to take all day to work through something, now it takes a single conversation over about ten minutes or so.

Lest things seem entirely doom and gloom, because I am venting my worries, I do feel much more optimistic about Rach and I than I have in a long time. It's like we finally found some secret method of communicating that just wasn't there before. And, I love her. I don't even have to think about that. Also, because I've been doing this work on the house, it feels much more like "Our" place now, as opposed to before where I felt like I was largely moving with her as part of her stuff, because all of my furniture was donated to charity because hers was better. I felt like a pet, basically, even though that wasn't the way she was treating me at all.
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More different stuff to talk about: Supposed to go down to my grandparents place in White Oak this coming weekend to help set it up for an estate auction in June. Going to be doing some cleaning, talk to the relatives, get out of the house for a bit...Basically, meh times, but at least I'll get to be able to see the place one last time. Maybe I'll borrow Rach's camera and take some pictures of it.

Took Rach to Hanging Rock State Park yesterday, and I got a lot of very cool pictures of geological formations and waterfalls! It was really great! I'll have to take Scott there at some point, so he can see it as well.

Grades: Got good grades again! One A (Physical Landscapes, the class I thought I would hate and ended up really liking), Four B's (Environmental Change and Impact, Cultural Geography, Elements of Hydrology, Physical Landscapes Lab), and a single, solitary C (Geology of the US and Canada: BORING AS FUCK!)

So: I'm at 87 credit hours as of NOW. I'm taking 9 credit hours over the summer (Geo 570, Spa 102, Spa 203), which will put me at 96. I'm taking 18 in the fall (114). I only need 122 credit hours to graduate, less to finish my requirements. So: I'll only need 7 credit hours in Spring! Nice! I'm only going to take four classes, so that'll be nice and easy to work with.

Summer classes start this Wednesday, so tomorrow I need to go and buy the workbook that I need for the Spanish class. I have everything else that I'll need, so at least textbook cost will be low during the summer.

UNCG Sucks!

Sat, 03 May 2008 04:43:53 GMT

Right, here's my one and only rant on UNCG. There's a three-fold problem, with each leading into the next.

First: It's filled to the absolute brim with Father Moneybags spoiled kids, who all have money to fucking burn.

Second: Therefore, since the average student's "income" (read: Parents savings) is pretty damn high, the cost of attendance is pretty fucking high. Fall semester, tuition was 1300. There's something called a "Student Refund", which actually means YOU are paying the SCHOOL, and that's about TWICE the tuition. And then the extra fees (Athletic fee, Student Government Fee, Registration Fee, Parking Fee, Library Fee etc) adds up to around 1600. That's right, the fees cost you more than the actual classes. So: For one semester, you actually need to have something like 5k, instead of the 1.3k that it would seem. And that's if you live OFF CAMPUS.

Third: I don't live on campus. I don't have Scrooge McDuck as a dad. I haven't had a job in two years. That means I HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY. That also means that 55% of my financial aid goes to just affording the fees, tuition, and refund. That last 4k has to last me 4 MONTHS until the next check hits. I'm DAMNED fortunate that Rach gets about the same, otherwise it just wouldn't be feasible, because school books need to be bought, bills need to be payed etc. etc. Also, keep in mind that UNCG doesn't really provide financial aid for the Summer semester, so if you don't get a job you're basically fucked.

This brings you to where Rach and I are right now. We're basically fucked. We have enough cash and credit buffer to withstand basically 1.99 months, but we'll actually need 3.25 months worth of both in order to not feel particularly screwed. I can mitigate some of the difference by keeping costs low (dropping cable, getting rid of the storage unit, budgeting, cooking in more etc.), and trying to increase supply (using credit payments creatively adds another 1.3k to the 3.25 budget, getting us to about 2.85, selling some odds and ends that I won't miss could add a few hundred, finding more credit could help a lot, borrowing money from my dad is possible etc.). Still, with everything I can do NOW, we're still going to be short by about 1.2k. So, that's my goal for the next three months: To close that gap by whatever means necessary. The last resort is that the main need for the .25 month at the end on the budget is to be able to pay the rent at the begining of August. If I have to, I just won't pay it until after we get financial aid money, which will be around the 15'th or so of the month. If it looks like it will be heading that way by the end of June, I'll go over there mid July and talk to them about it, see if we can get some leniency over it because it's not like it's something we can control.
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I need to talk to Rach about her going to summer classes at UNCG. I'm getting a little residual financial aid from left over maximums, but it will only add a budget increase of like 275 (I have 2k in financial aid loans left to be disbursed for the summer, their charging me about 1.7k for the summer, so it's a net budget increase). She's not going to get anything, and that's actually putting us into the hole by about the 1.2k that we need (0 financial aid for her, 1.3k in fees and such, out of pocket). If she can finish this year without going to summer school, I would prefer to do that instead of her taking classes this summer. I don't know, we'll see.

In the mean time, I'm trying to conserve, and I'm gathering up what I need to go job hunting. A part time job over even a month of the summer could make the big difference we could use. The good news is that barring me fucking up royally, I should graduate this coming spring. Soooooo....Working this year doesn't matter, because I won't have to worry about financial aid next year. :)
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Oh, and by credit buffer I mean that, to survive, we'll have to max out our credit cards in the process. Yeah. I hate UNCG.